


In the nuts, In the nuts, Kick a little bit harder

by Dhragonis_Slytherin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Childhood Friends, F/M, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Humor, Love Triangles, Love/Hate, Marauders' Era, Romance, Secret Identity, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-26
Updated: 2013-04-26
Packaged: 2017-12-09 13:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/774622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dhragonis_Slytherin/pseuds/Dhragonis_Slytherin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James has tried everything for Lily to love him. Alas, she still seems to hate his guts. But James has a secret. Apart from being a pureblood raised in the wizarding world, he and his family also lived as "Muggles" in the Muggle world. And Jasper Hartwell (James' Muggle counterpart) just so happens to Lily Evans' childhood bestfriend; all while Lily is none the wiser. How will James win Lily's love while keeping his secret a secret?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything here that is copyrighted. No infringement intended.  
> This fic is also available on FFN.  
> I hope you enjoy it!

"Please Lily? Just one date. One date is all I ask,"

"No! Get it through that thick empty skull of yours Potter. I. Do. NOT. Like. You."

"So that's a maybe?"

"Arghh! I am so gonna hex you to next Tuesday. No, Friday! A no is a no! Now get off your arse and go do something useful like jumping off the Astronomy Tower or something!"

"So if I jump of the Astronomy Tower you'll kiss me?"

"Sod off, Potter! I'd rather kiss the boys toilet seat before I kiss you!"

James had a look for contemplation for a moment; right before his eyes lit up...and transfigured himself into a toilet seat.

"So you'll kiss me now?"

Everyone in the common room stared at him with a strange concoction of disgust, shock and incredibility. Remus just shook his head in shame and wondered why he was bestfriends with such an idiot whilst Sirius was trying to flirt with yet another seventh year.

"You know, hearing a toilet seat asking me to snog him is quite expectably creepy," Lily stated, still staring at James (the toilet seat) looking kinda green.

James transformed back, figuring it was not working.

"I guess you don't exactly want to snog me right now..."

Lily gave James a *you think?* look and Remus started on his book again, thinking James had finally grew some brains.

"So how about you kiss me tomorrow inst-"

*Thump*

James was now on the floor in a fetal position holding on a certain part of his anatomy.

"She aims, she shoots, she scores! James 0, Lily 1," commentated Sirius.

Remus just began banging his head on the table, in disbelief that he had such idiotic clotpoles for bestfriends.

"You know Moony, I don't even know why Prongs is so desperate for Lily anyway. He can get any girl and the school and he has to choose the most violent and temperamental red head in the world. She isn't even that hot anyway. Monnique Greengrass has a much larger set of racks. Lily's aren't even that big an-"

*Thump*

Remus sighed, "James 0, Sirius 0, Lily 2," they were idiots alright. Idiots albeit now probably impotent idiots. What am I gonna do with them?


	2. Chapter 2

Has anyone ever wondered why James was so in love with Lily even though time after time she had rejected him, slapped him, cursed him, jinxed him, poured ice-cold water on him, poured boiling-hot water on him, and even ever so rarely (frequently) gently (violently) kicked him in the nuts. And yet not once, has James ever shown any sign of hating her for it or diverting his attention to other women. Miraculous really, seeing the amount of conspicuous flirting and deliberately half-opened blouses headed his way.

So why did James so unconditionally love Lily Evans? And why did Lily Evans so blatantly hate James? I mean, she literally loathed him minutes after meeting for the first time on the Hogwarts Express right?

To understand James' morbid love for Lily, one must venture back a few years through time. Contrary to popular belief, unknown to even Lily herself and the rest of the Marauders, the first time James met Lily was neither on the Hogwarts Express, nor on the boat ride across the Black Lake, nor was it during the feast in the Great Hall. In fact, it was long before the beginning of Hogwarts or when Lily even know about magic.

The Potter Family, being the rich and old purebloods they were, were in possession of quite a few properties. Charlus and Dorea Potter favoured a particular house in which they chose to raise James in. The Potter Surrey Home was a humble abode in muggle Britain. In attempt to learn about muggles and their way of life, Charlus and Dorea decided to move into the muggle home, take on muggle jobs and leave James in a muggle day-care centref. As this was fairly unusual, to avoid criticism and unwanted media, they wore glamours, took on muggle names as aliases and tried to appear regularly in magical towns as to not raise suspicion.

Being raised in muggle Little Whinging, James received his primary education there, he had fluent knowledge of both worlds; he could pull off being a muggle or a wizard without seeming awkward. **(A/N this is fanfiction. I'm allowed to bend things.)** He always knew of his wizarding background of course and knew about the magical world like any other magical kid his age and still lived in the magical Potter Manor on weekends and attended Quidditch games amongst other things. He had been briefed not to tell the muggles about the magical world as it was a secret. It was here, in the muggle world, at a muggle day-care centre, under a muggle pseudonym, that he met the supposed muggle, Lily Evans.

They were best of friends. From preschool through to year 6. **(A/N that is based of the Australian school system. I don't know how other countries do it)** At that time, neither he nor Lily realise she was magical. James did not tell Lily about magic, James did not teach Lily magic, and James did not tell Lily what his real name was. Lily merely knew him as a blue-eyed, dark blonde, fair-skinned boy by the name of Jasper Hartwell.

**Flashback JamesPOV**

I would never admit it, but I was nervous. I started late, halfway through the year, due to our holidays in Greece. Everybody already had friends; they didn't seem to need a stranger in their group. I didn't want to be a loner, all by myself without friends. I wish we didn't go on that stupid holiday. Greece wasn't even that fun anyway. They only had really, really big buildings, detailed sculptures and brilliant food...ok, maybe Greece was great.

"Do you want to draw with me?" asked a gentle voice, bringing me out of my self-induced melancholy. She had a soft, kind face framed with vibrant, fiery red hair. A stunning set of shimmering emeralds amplified by her delicate long lashes, enhancing her creamy white skin. She was overall, very cute.

"But don't you already have friends? Why would you still wanna play with me?"

"Come on. I'm always happy to make new friends - you can't possibly be as boring as Marcus."

"Hey! I heard that, Lils!" exclaimed one of the boys also drawing.

"Well, if you're fine with it...ok then." I said as she dragged me off to the drawing corner by the hand.

We sat down and drew. I drew a flaming dragon fighting a herd of manticores in the middle of a forest.

"What did you draw?" asked Lily.

"A dragon and a...er...candypaw!" I blurted, couldn't quite tell her about magical creatures could I? Whilst muggles knew of dragons, they have no idea of manticores.

"Candypaw? Cool! What does it do?"

"It shoots candy like bullets from its paws." I should be a fiction author if I can't be a Quidditch player; I'm a absolute natural.

"Wow! What other creatures live in this forest?"

and the day went on, leading to some the sad deformation to many poor creatures including Pimple-thorned Snotknacks, Fatgrowmantulas, Blubberworms and Flippopliffs just to name a few.

**End Flashback**

Whilst the others were welcoming to him as well, no-one could ever beat Lily. After the first day, they continued to enjoy each others precence. Bestfriends and classmates all through to the end of primary school.

But he felt like he was lying to her. For all those years, he was worried she would find out about the glamours and magic and feel betrayed, or not want to be his friend because he was a wizard. The years of guilt built up, but he could never tell her, a secret was a secret, and the magical world was one _big_ secret.

So James did the only thing he thought would make him feel better. He played with Lily, always shared all the toys and food with her, listened to her, gave her presents and tried to do anything to please her. And each and every day, he would find himself just that little more in love with Lily. So the day his Hogwarts letter came, he was devastated; happy but devastated. Happy that he had been accepted in the most prestigious magical school in all of UK. But deeply saddened by the thought of leaving Lily.

The next day, when he walked over to Lily's house and pick her and her sister Petunia up and walked together to school and tell her that he was moving to some foreign country, imagine his surpise when she talked about receiving a letter to attend Hogwarts. He was so happy, he nearly blurted out that he was a wizard. But then he got scared. If Lily knew he was going to Hogwarts, then undoubtedly she would find out about the mask he had been under for so long. James wouldn't be able to stand the thought of Lily hating him. He couldn't help but cringe under the hurt betrayed expression on Lily's face if he told her.

No. Jasper Hartwell will forever remain as Lily's muggle friend from Little Whinging. James Potter, will instead take the role of bestfriend at Hogwarts. If she were to ever find out, she would hate him...well, more than she did now anyway, he didn't quite think his more sensitive organ could take many more kicks.

So if Jasper and Lily were such good friends before Hogwarts, and Jasper was James, how did Lily come to hate James?

**Flashback JamesPOV**

"Come on, Sirius! There's only one more carriage left," I hurried him along.

As purebloods and heir to their families, Sirius and I have met on many occasions, usually at Pureblood Balls. Neither of us really enjoyed such formal occasions, so we usually just wondered around (got into mischief). During the process, Sirius and I had become bestfriends. This friendship grew even stronger when I learnt of the horrible treatment Sirius suffered Walburga and Orion Black. We were more than bestfriends; we were brothers in all but blood.

"Why are we even going through all these carriages? You have any damn idea how long the Hogwarts express is?" he complained.

"Well considering you and I have just walked along the whole length, I would assume so," Honestly, Sirius could be such a nut-head sometimes.

I opened the door to the last carriage and peeked through every compartment. And in the last one, I found her...hugging some greasy git.

"Oh my god, Sev! This is so amazing! I walked right through this barrier and ended up in front of this beautiful scarlet red train! And I saw a bunch of third years repair a broken glass! The chocolate frogs even move! This is so much better than you told me! Thank you SO much Sev! Without you, I would have probably fainted and be lying on the ground somewhere! I love you!" exaggerated Lily, locking Severus in a tight embrace!

I felt a heart wrenching pang of sadness with a tinge of jealousy rising up my throat. I was supposed to be her bestfriend. Not some other idiot. Has that bastard ever heard of manners and etiquette, hugging a girl like that in public? Talk about PDA! I cast a mild stinging hex at him, just enough to get him to let go off his Lily; I always had had a good control of my magic, even before Hogwarts or wandlessly; what can I say, I'm a very talented wizard.

"Ow! Hey, what's your problem? Don't go around hexing people! That hurt!" howled Severus.

"Says you, you slimy bastard. Have you ever heard of shampoo? 'cause you sure need some. How about a couple hundred bottles you jerk?"

That did it. Severus jumped at me. Both he and I crashed to the ground with a loud thump. He threw a punch at me and cracked my glasses. I could here Lily screaming for us to stop in the background and Sirius' booming voice chanting approval.

"You walloping wanker!"

"Thimble-brained twat!"

"Fairy-prancing prat!"

"Puckered-mouth plonker!"

"Stupid, slimy smeghead!"

"Pea-brained pillock!"

"Greasy-git!"

"Tongue -tosser!"

I retaliated by breaking his nose, causing him to shrink back, creating a huge opening. Taking advantage of it, I kicked him in the ribs and did a arm lock, forcing him to the ground. Suddenly, a fist connected to my face - it was Lily.

I froze. Lily...hit me? I felt my eyes tearing, not because my nose was broken, not because of all the bruising on my arm, or the throbbing of my ribs, but the shock of betrayal. Does Lily..h-hate me? Lily...would hit me...for HIM? I mindlessly walked out of the in confusion and depression. I need to be alone. Think things over. Calm down.

**End Flashback**

I felt the sting of tears resurface in my eyes, but I forced them back. That had been the first time Lily had ever hit me other than playful banter. Afterwards at the feast, after I had composed myself, I tried to apologise and make amends to Lily. But she wouldn't listen. She was still angry. Lily always had had a temper; but I liked it, it matched her fiery red hair. I continuously reassured myself that she couldn't possibly hate me and be (what I interpreted as) bestfriends at the same time...I was proven wrong when she kneed me in the nuts.

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

**RemusPOV**

I woke up to the singing of the birds, rusting of leaves, the chirping of insects…and the roaring snore of Sirius. All of Hogwarts has attempted their strongest silencing charms in hope of conquering his monstrous snore...and all have failed. All of Gryffindor tower woke up to this sound every day, and not one of them could cast an effective enough charm. Alas, not even Flitwick, McGonagall and Dumbledore himself were unable to silence him. Talk about raising the dead.

I diverted my line of vision to James. I could still see tears trailing from his eyes. Last night, I could hear him sobbing in his dreams, desperately crying for Lily to forgive him. I feel sorry for him much of the time, not only as a friend or fellow male, but I can tell he truly loves Lily; albeit expresses it the wrong way nine million percent of the time. Can't he see that he's trying to impress Lily in all the wrong ways? Honestly, I have never met anyone dumber!

*SNORE*

...I stand corrected...

Sigh. I proceeded to wake the others; there's only one way to wake a Marauder…raising hell. For normal people, nicking the bed sheets, violent shaking, cold water, loud, annoying and blaring sounds usually did the trick. Not for the Marauders. They were practically a different species (well, I'm a werewolf, but that's beside the point.)

Waking up Marauders is a long, frustrating, painstaking job. It required skill, finesse, a hell lot of patience and earplugs; otherwise, you'll make yourself deaf before you wake them up. Usually, the entire Gryffindor tower woke up before these three lazy leeches. I really need to consider changing dorms – maybe Ravenclaw? Yes, peace and quiet, shelf after shelf of books, people who understand my passion for books and knowledge, and most importantly – no deafening snoring first thing in the morning!

A smile grew on my face as I thought about my friends. Well, they're not that bad, sure they have a lot of flaws and faults...my smile drooped as I thought of all the stupid things they have done, from drunken cross-dressing, to trying dog food - you name it, they've done it; but they are the bestfriends anyone could ever ask for, especially a werewolf.

I conjured three buckets of ice cold water, earmuffs, alarm clocks, sound amplifiers and enough pots and pans to make an Eiffel Tower replica.

3...

2...

1...

***BOOM***

***BANG***

***CRASH***

***CLATTER***

***CLANG***

***POW***

***WHAM***

***WHACK***

...

*SNORE~*

Looks like it's the last resort...

*Deep breath*

"OH MY GOD! JAMES! SIRIUS! YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR THE QUIDDITCH MATCH!"

"JAMES! LILY IS WAITING IN THE COMMON ROOM BEGGING FOR YOU TO MARRY HER!"

"SIRIUS! THERE'S A REALLY HOT CHICK WITH A HUGE SET OF RACKS OUTSIDE ASKING FOR YOU!"

"GET UP PETER! MRS. NORRIS IS HERE!"

They all shot up from bed faster than a bullet. These guys seriously have a one-track mind. *sweatdrop*

"I always knew you were just playing hard to get Lily! I'll take you to Hogsmeade right after I win this game for you! Wait for me my beautiful Lily flower!" guess who.

"Should I wear clothes? School robes, a bathrobe, boxer, briefs or just be natural? " do you even have to ask?

*Squeak*

"Get her away from me! Help! She's gonna eat me! I can't die yet! I have yet to betray and frame you guys!" said a certain filthy bastard…well, maybe he didn't exactly say that last part…but you know he wants to!

I stare blankly at my bestfriends.

Just another average day in the life of a Marauder.

* * *

**LilyPOV**

I was happily enjoying my book wearing a set of muggle earmuffs to block out the sound of Remus trying to wake up his friends. Poor guy. Such a nice person like Remus doesn't deserve this. I don't even know why he's friends with those nutcases. He's so much more sensible and smarter.

He seemed to be done, since I couldn't here anymore noise pollution (they're so loud I can hear them through the muffs).

I snuggled into the comfortable armchair and returned to my book, captivated by its fascinating knowledge. Turning the page, I followed the timeline on the discovery of the twelve uses of dragon blood and took a sip of steaming hot tea, just the way I like it. Everything was so peaceful first thing in the morning. Just perfect.

"Lily! I knew you loved me! We can go to Hogsmeade after the match and ask Madame Rosemerta to marry us straight away! Everyone, Lily and I are getting married!" He merrily announced.

I spurted out the tea I was drinking and got it all over the book. Great, Madame Pince is gonna kill me.

"Lily flower! I'm so glad you agreed. When do you want to pick out the dress? Who's your bride's maid? Are your parents coming? Would you rather have an emerald ring or diamond? Personally, I think the emerald matches your eyes better, but you women seem to like diamonds. I know! How abo-"

*thump*

"James 0, Lily 2," broadcasted Sirius.

"James 0, Sirius 0, Lily 3," corrected Remus.

"What the hell is wrong with you Potter?" I screamed, "I thought we went through this last night, and every other day since we started Hogwarts. I-DO-NOT-LIKE-YOU! I-AM-NOT-MARRYING-YOU! I- _HATE_ -YOU! In fact, I'd rather sooner date Sirius before dating you!"

"Hey! You make it sound like it's a bad thing dating me. I'll have you know, you'd be lucky if I dated you. Women come in flocks to just see me. Then there's this 5' 3" waiting list to snog me in the broomcloset, and a 16' 9" parchment to be my girlfriend for the week. Not that I can blame them, being as hot as I am. Just last night I wa-"

*thump*

"James 0, Sirius 0, Lily 4," inserted Remus.

**JamesPOV**

Whilst I hobbled to the Great Hall I thought about Lily. She's so perfect. It's just like her not to take any shit from anybody, but god does she kick hard. The first time she showed she hated me, I felt so dejected. This feeling continued for a while, sometimes I still feel it hard, but I have mostly come to accept that Lily Evans hates James Potter. Whilst Jasper and Lily may be bestfriends, but she loathes James even though we are the same person. But I took it; I accepted it, and worked by Lily's wants and rules. If Lily didn't want to be friends with James, then James and Lily wouldn't be friends. This of course didn't mean I didn't constantly try to change her mind. In fact, right after the incident on the train in first year, I tried to improve her image of me by pleasing her.

**Flashback JamesPOV**

If there was one thing I knew Lily loved, it was lasagna. Whilst she wasn't looking, I switched her salad with a plate of lasagna. She was too busy talking to the girl next to her, Alice I believe her name was, to notice, and just forked a portion and stuffed it in her mouth. Her eyes hardened and she spat it out.

"Who the hell swapped my salad with a plate of lasagna!" she demanded.

"He did it." accused some girl, pointing towards me.

"Potter! I am _so_ going to hurt you!" she spat murderously.

"Why are you so angry? It's just a plate of lasagna." I reasoned, totally perplexed. Can a person turn from mass addiction to lasagna to despising it in a span of a fortnight?

"I'm a bloody vegetarian!" she screamed through her teeth.

"Er…Ooops? Isn't it ironic you said bloody vegetarian? Ha-hah?" I laughed shakily, I was toast. I don't see her for two weeks and she turns into a vegetarian. What are the chances of that?

**End Flashback**

That basically glued, nailed, sealed, drilled and screwed Lily's hatred for James permanently in memory. He had tried other ways to apologise, but it always ended up backfiring.

He tried buying her a small trinket in the form of a modest necklace, but she accused him of being a spoilt brat, trying to buy her friendship, and thinking that money can buy everything. He was about to explain himself, but she threw the necklace at him, conveniently landing inside his mouth and got swallowed into the stomach. Madame Promfrey extracted it from his stomach, but he still had a horrible stomach ache, on the day of the Halloween Feast too!

James also tried giving her a bird display by freeing a huge flock of doves (her favourite type of bird) at the same time, but they somehow ended up pooping all over her. She hexed him. He resided in the hospital for a week after that. Ouch.

Of course there were other attempts, some better than others…most worse, and many too embarrassing to mention. But they all had one thing in common. They failed.

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

*Omph*

"Watch where you're going Mr. Potter."

I looked up and saw the perpetually stern face of McGonagall.

"Yeah. Sorry McGonagall. I was err…distracted by my thoughts."

"Well, let there be no next time. Now that you are no longer daydreaming about…whatever teenage boys daydream about, I seem to recall you having an overdue essay due, and assignment, and assessment and not to mention they day you _accidentally_ tripped and had to go to the Hospital Wing _just_ before the test and took an entire period to return." She listed, (insert sceptical eyebrow, god that creeps me out)

"Well, there were a lot of people in line for Madame Pomfrey…" I tried explaining.

"Really? Well, the excuse I seem to recall you gaving me yesterday was, and I quote, "I was heading to the Grand Staircase when, I saw these poor lost first years, being the good kind-hearted and handsome fifth year I am, I helped them to their class. **(A/N I don't really know the structure of Hogwarts. Just go with it)** Imagine my surprise when they were going to the DADA Towers, all the way on the other side and up past the seven floors of Hogwarts **.** After kindly guiding them to DADA, they thanked me and asked for autographs ('cause I was so dashingly good-looking). I was about to head to the Hospital Wing when I saw poor Mrs. Norris with a scorched tail. Taking pity on her, I immediately rushed to Hagrid's. Obviously, with him living near the Forbidden Forest, It took a while. Finally after all that was accomplished, I thought I could finally get to the Hospital Wing, however, fate decided not to give me a break today and lead me to a lost Potions Book. Once again, my conscience and kindness (and not to mention my devilishly good-looks) would not let me just leave it there. So I went on a grand crusade to find the poor owner the book." She quoted with the last of her breath.

"…"

"Well? Is that not what you said?"

"Yes? Er, I mean yes! I did guide a bunch of first years to the Astronomy Tower-

"DADA Tower Mr. Potter."

"…yeah…"

"Right Mr. Potter, I expect to see you at Transfiguration on time. No exceptions!"

"Sir Yes Sir! I mean yes McGonagall." I nervously tried to get away before she could reprimand me. Too late.

"Oh, and Mr. Potter, you missed out on learning how to transfigure water into butterbeer."

"Damn!"

"What was that Mr. Potter?"

"Nothing. I…err…said…grand! I said how grand!"

"Good to hear. Now run along before you run into another bunch of 'poor' lost first years."

I didn't need another invitation.

* * *

"May Prohngz! Wut doog sho lonk? Oll te bood iz hery kon!" stumbled Sirius, speedily gulping down another plate of bacon and eggs.

"He means, "Hey Prongs! What took so long? All the food is nearly gone!" Maybe the food wouldn't be all gone if you'd stop inhaling it!" translated Moony, whacking Sirius upside in the head.

"I admire your ability to understand _Sirius-Gobblinggook_. You haven't eaten all the chocolate muffins have you? You know I love the muffins the best!" I complained.

"Don't worry mate, I saved you one from the gluttonous monster over there," consoled Moony.

"Moony! I knew I like you the best!"

"Hey! What about me? I thought I was your bestfriend!"

"Go back to stuffing your mouth blubber-face!"

"Fine. Don't be my bestfriend. Don't come running back to me begging when you realize just what a sad lonely person you are. See if I, the great, sexy, hot, handsome, smexy, attractive, divine, sexy, godly, uber-sexy, beau-"

"He's not listening," said a stupid rat.

James was too busy talking to Remus.

"Damn!" cursed Sirus.

* * *

**JamesPOV**

"Moony."

"Yes mate?"

"You know the day I missed the Transfiguration test?"

"If you mean the day you jigged the Transfiguration test then yes, I know of it."

"Could you please lend me your notes on changing water to beerbutter? Please?" I begged.

"Huh? What notes? You can't conjure or transfigure food. Have you forgotten Gamp's Law of Transfiguration?"

"Gramps' Law of Transfiguration? Wow! I didn't know your grandfather made a law of transfiguration! Good brains must run in the family huh?"

"Oh I give up!"

"So can I have your notes or not?"

"Ugh!" *bang* *bang* *bang*

"Remus, would you stop banging your head on the table. You nearly spilt my milk."

"Lily flower! Have I told you how beautiful you are today? Not that you're not usually not beautiful. But you're just mor-"

*splash*

"Wow. Me, soaked in Lily's drunken milk. I guess this makes it an indirect kiss huh? Lily-flower! I always knew you loved me! How about a direct kis-"

*splat*

And that ladies and gentleman, is how James ended up having a whole plate of scrambled eggs in his face.

"Mmmm. Pass the pepper would you Peter? I taste good."

"Ugh! You are such a prat Potter! I give up! Shouting at you makes my throat sore." Screamed Lily.

"Do you want me to kiss it better?"

*squelch*

"Yum. Baked beans."

"Argh! I hate you Potter! Go to hell and frickn' die!"

"You know what Moony? I recon she likes me."

"Yes, Prongs. There's nothing more romantic than throwing a plate of food at your lover's face."

Suddenly, a snowy white owl flew in with a letter, landing write in front of Lily.

Her frown turned upside down, leading to a smile growing on my face too. If Lily was happy, then I was happy too.

**LilyPOV**

That owl, it's a letter from Jasper. When I was explain to Jasper about Hogwarts, he surprised me, claiming his aunt was a muggleborn witch. And whilst he admitted he did not know much about the magical world, or have magical powers, he said he could still manage to owl me once or twice a week with his aunt's owl, Artemis.

_Dear Lily,_

_I apologise for not writing sooner. The stupid teachers decided to hand us an assignment first day back at school. I have never hated Deoxyribonucleic Acid more than I have now. How was your first week back at school? It's pretty cold here, I can only imagine how much colder it is up there in Scotland, rainy too._

_So is James still trying to catch your attention? Why don't you give him a chance? If he's been going after you since first year and never looked at a girl since, doesn't that prove he really does love you? If not, at least it'll shut him up for a while. You have nothing to lose._

_I have always told you, "Look underneath, the underneath." Things may not always be what they first appear to be. First impressions can be misleading. Have you ever thought why James acts the way he does? Have you ever tried to look past his faults? Look past what you see; look deeper; look underneath, the underneath._

_I am sorry for going off like that, but what I think you need to do is reconsider some of your perceptions of him. But enough's enough._

_Are you happy at Hogwarts? Nobody is bullying or calling you names are they? Cause I swear, if anyone dare lays a hand on you, I'll beat them so hard, their grandchildren will feel it (if they can have them in the first place. If.) How are Alice and Euphemia? One day, I really have to meet them and thank them for looking after you; I'm so glad you have two such delightful ladies as bestfriends. Treat them well; such loyalty is hard to come by._

_I am always looking over you, whether you know it or not. If you ever need help, just call for me, and I will always come for you. Always. I am always,_ always _thinking of you._

_Missing you dearly,_

_Jasper Hartwell_

Maybe Jasper was right. Maybe James wasn't that bad. Sure he was annoying, but at least he's not a playboy. I craned my neck to get a look at Potter…to see him trying to lick baked-beans on the tip of his nose with his tongue. Disgusting! What _was_ I _thinking_? Urgh!

"What a sweet boyfriend, though, he's the only one I've ever seen to suggest to their girlfriend to date another guy," said Euphemia Flint, my pureblooded bestfriend. She had three older siblings anyway, so they didn't mind as much, she'd never be the heir.

"He's not my boyfriend. He's just a normal friend." I blushed, though the thought did disappoint me a bit, but quickly hid it. Too late.

"So you DO want him to be your boyfriend. I knew it! No other straight woman could reject someone as hot as Potter without batting an eyelash, even the ones already taken. Either you already had a boyfriend, or swing the other way," theorized Euphie. Euphemia was just too long and too formal.

"OR she just hates James," Alice added her two cents.

"I always knew I loved you Alice." I praised with gratitude.

"Sorry Lils, I'm straight," I scowled at her, "Don't look at me like that. I still don't get why you hate him. I would kill to have a boyfriend that hot and so into me. He's obviously over the moon for you. You could even just date him and dump him if you wanted to. I don't think he'll hold even the slightest resentment towards you, judging by the way he worships you."

"Alice! What would Frank say if he heard that?" I admonished.

"You go tiger!" cheered Euphie, "Rawrr!"

"No bad influence!" I reprimanded.

"Hey, Lily."

I turned around and saw my longtime bestfriend Sev, (a girl can have more than one bestfriend can't she?)

"Hi Sev!" I greeted.

"I told you not to call me that in public. It ruins my image you know," he muttered under his breath.

"Sorry _Mr. Snape."_

He just rolled his eyes.

"C'mon. Slughorn told us to get to the potions lab earlier today to help prepare," he reminded.

"Yeah, thanks Sev," I smiled.

He just scowled at the familiarity, but said nothing. He really is just a big softy inside, no matter the perpetual frown carved to his face.

* * *

**JamesPOV**

"Right class, today, we are brewing Amortentia, better known as Love Potion. Now, can anyone tell me what a person under Amortentia looks like or how they tend to act?" asked Slughorn, "Yes Miss Evans."

"One under the influence of Amortentia appears pale and sickly. They also tend to show exceeding obsession with the object of their affections, as if they were an angel on earth or something. Many become extremely excited or dangerous towards others."

_As expected from my beautiful Lily; so intelligent._

"Perfect. Five points to Gryffindor, Miss Evans," acclaimed Slughorn.

"Know-it-all mudblood," snarled some slimy Slytherin. How dare he say that about my Liliy-kins. That wanker!

I turned back to Lily, slightly concerned. She just ignored the pea-brains and pretended she didn't hear it. I knew she wouldn't be affected, she was used to it and she had never really cared about what other's thought of her. I smile just a little, alleviated of my worries.

I still remember the day me and Lily went to the movies for her 10th birthday.

**Flashback JamesPOV**

Lily and I had just finished watching an action comedy film _,_ when we bumped into Tod Willis, our school bully.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here? A pimp and his whore, why am I not surprised?" he

I was about to pound him in the face, but Lily placed a hand on my arm and simply walked away, ignoring the stupid bastard.

"What are you? Yellow-bellied cowards? Just walking away are you?" he continued to provoke.

Lily just continued to leave, dragging me along with her. My respect for Lily grew.

**End Flashback**

"What are you staring at, Potter?" snapped Lily.

"Sorry, just thinking about you." I didn't even realise I was staring at her.

"More like undressing me with your eyes," she scoffed. She really doesn't like me, does she? I was a bit disheartened, but this was nothing new, it doesn't mean it felt any better though. Thinking the worst of me, how things were so much different as Jasper. Makes me wish I could tell her right now, but I can't, she would hate me for lying to her. Sometimes I wish I could just get over this guilt. Well, who said life was easy?

"Yes Love," I simply said.

She glared, "You sicken me." Somehow, I just didn't feel the energy to retort, and went back to my potion.

"Prongs, what's up? You look like someone's told you prank stores were banned for life!" Padfoot said, "Speaking of pranking, we need to do one. How about dying the entire school's robes, underwear and all in fluro pink? We can even do a special tribute to Snivellus and hang him in the middle of the Great Hall in nothing but pink lingerie!" He giggled to himself, no doubt thinking about going through girls' lingerie. That pervert.

"Whatever Pads, let's just finish this potion for now shall we?"

"You're no fun," he sulked.

Just then, I saw a bunch of sodding Slytherins throw something in Lily's cauldron. I reached for my wand in attempt to stop it, but it was too late, and the cauldron exploded.

Lily looked around and saw the wand in my hand pointing towards her cauldron.

"JAMES HAROLD POTTER! YOU SODDING WANKER! HOW **DARE** YOU RUIN MY POTION! YOU CLAIM YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS, BUT YOU'RE ONE SICK BASTARD, EXPLODING OTHER'S HARD WORK, BULLING OTHERS! I AM GOING TO **KILL** YOU!"

"Mr. Potter! 30 points from Gryffindor for sabotaging another's potion! Now put that wand away before I snap it," demanded Slughorn.

All the Gryffindors glowered at me for losing them points.

"But-" I stopped half-way, broken by Lily's glare – such hatred. It made me want to crawl under a rock and die.

"No buts." It was final. I didn't even want to explain. It wouldn't change anything. Lily would still hate me. There was just no point.

I heard the Slytherins snicker in the background.

No point at all…

* * *

**RemusPOV**

I saw the whole scene play out. I looked at James. He looked like he wanted to jump off the Astronomy Tower when Lily accused him.

When Potions ended, I confronted him.

"Why didn't you say anything? I asked James, "You were innocent!"

"It wouldn't have changed anything. Lily would have still hated me. There's no point," he looked down.

"Yes there is. How do you know Lily would still hate you? You didn't do anything!" I exclaimed.

"Of course she would hate me! I'm James Bloody Potter! Lily will always hate me!"

"Why does everything evolve around Lily with you? Can't you just simply explain because you want to be proven innocent? What does that have to do with Lily?" by this stage, I was nearly shouting.

"You don't get it, Remus. To me, Lily _is_ everything."

"Then prove it to her!"

"I already tried Remus! I tried!"

"Well, obviously not in the right way since you're at the other end of her wand every sodding second of your life."

"I don't know _how_ to befriend her! Everything is wrong. Everything I say, everything I do – it's all wrong!"

"Do it like Jasper then!"

James flinched at the mention of Jasper.

I continued, "I don't get, how Lily can love Jasper and hate you more than soggy toast at the same time, when you're the same- mmph!"

"Do you want the whole _school_ to know?" he whispered, "How did you know in the first place? I haven't told _anyone!"_

"Yeah, 'cause it's so hard to hear fifty million parchments of draft love letters being scrunched up every night for the past five years." I rolled my eyes sarcastically.

"But how do you know they weren't simply charms essays?"

I gave him "The Look".

"Well…maybe that is a ridiculous suggestion wasn't it?"

(insert "The Look")

"Right…"

(still "The Look'-ing)

"…"

"The Look"

"…"

"The Look"

"Are you gonna just stare at me all day?"

"The Look"

"Quit it Remus!"

*Whack*

"Oww! You didn't have to whack me at the back of the head!"

"Well you wouldn't stop "The Look"-ing at me!"

"Geez, so picky. Ow! Alright! Alright mate! That hurt!"

"You deserved it."

"Stupid lover-boy." I mumbled at the bottom of my breath.

"I heard that."

"I know."

"…so, since you know, does that mean Sirius and Peter know too?"

"Would Sirius and Peter wake up with a marching band in their dorm?"

"…No."

"Would Sirius and Peter wake up if a herd of dragons decided to break in and wreck havoc at Hogwarts?"

"…No."

"Would Sirius and Peter wake up if you got the Fat Lady to sing with a _Sonorus_ right next to their ear?"

"…No."

"Then do you think they would wake up at the sound of scrunching paper?"

"…that was a stupid question wasn't it?"

"Oh, I've heard worse coming from you and Sirius. I swear you guys have less IQ points than a flobberworm."

"Do flobberworms have high IQ or low IQ?"

"I rest my case."

I watched as James left for the next period.

Well, at least our conversation seemed to cheer him up a bit.

* * *

**LilyPOV**

I can't believe him! How dare he? That no-brained, suck-up, hog-breathed Potter exploded my cauldron! MY cauldron! My PERFECT potion! That JERK!

"Wow Lily. What's got your lacey knickers in a twist?"

"Shut up Alice. I'm not in the mood for it today."

"Someone's moody today. You're not PMS-ing are you? Cause if you are there's this potion I know that can stop severe, temperamental mood-swings."

"No. I'm not PMS-ing." I snapped.

"You sure? 'Cause you sure see-"

"NO, I'M NOT ON MY PERIOD!" I shouted, and apparently I shouted too loud, because the entire hall was staring at me; teachers, boys, girls, owls, cats, ghosts and all; heads turned my way. Oh great! Just what I need, the whole school thinking I'm on my period. Just great! This is all that damned Potter's fault. If I get my hands on him I am going to (%%&^()(&**&%^%#%$$$&O(**&&^&*^%$%$#$%&&*)_(*&&^$%$#&^&&)(*&(&*%$^$#%$^&^$#%#^%^*&%&%^$#%^%^^*(&*&%$#%$#&^^(&*%$&^$#%^^*(&^(*^&$%$#$&^*)(*^%^$#!#!$#%^*((*)(*&&%$%$#%$^^(**(*&I^%$%#^%%^()*_)(*^%&^%$Q#$$&^**(&^%$#$%#$%$

**(A/N - We apologise, for the inconvenience, but the following dialogue has been deemed too graphic to display on and has therefore been censored. Once again we sincerely apologise for any inconveniences this may have caused fellow viewers.)**

%%*&&_(*)*&%$&%$$#$**^%^#$%*&*(%&^$$*((()&*$%^#^%&_)(*&(*^%$#W%$#%()**)I&U^%$#%#^&%&%#%$%*&^(&%^$%$##$*(&*^%#%$#$*&_)*&%&^$%$%$%*(&*)*&$%$%$%(*^&^%#%$$%()**&^&*%$$#$%(*&*(*^%$#$$%(*^%^%$#&^^&*%$^$%#^^&^%$#%##%^^%

**(Just a bit more)**

Y%$^%(**)(&^%^%$#%$(*)(*&^%$%^#%^^&)(&*&%$#$%^&Y(*&%&^$%#$%^&%()*(UY%$^%#$^&(*&^*Y%$#%^&)(*&*%$#$#%%*()(&%$^^&(*&*(^$%$&*)(*&^%$#%#&^*(&*^%$#^%#$&*U*&)*(&^%&^$%#&**(&%^$&^%#$&^^%(*&^%&^%^*&^%

**(Were done…no wait sorry.)**

$#%#$*&*)(*&(*&%%$*(*(&$^%$#&^*_)(*)*&T$#$#$&*I(*)(*&^E%$^&_)(*^%&^$#$&*)(*&$#%^%^&)((*(&$#!$%^&)_P{}(*&^&%$##%^&*(*)&^%$#%^&*(*)(&^%$#%&*^()&%$^#&*(&*%$%$#^&*_)(*&^*&%$#^&&)(&*^&$^$#^&^&*)(&^*&%$$%#$%(*)_)*(&$^%#^&^&*)_(*&*^&%#$W^%&*()*%$%#!$#%^)(*&*^EW$#$%(OP**^#$$%*&(&^%&%^$#^%&^$#^&%*^%$^&$&%^%^&&

**(OK. Done. Phew! Remind me never to get on Lily's bad side. God can that woman swear!)**

"…"

"…"

"…Lily?"

"Yeah Alice?"

"Remind me never to get on your bad side will you?" (Great minds think alike :P)

"Err…yeah…sure…"


	5. Chapter 5

"Mr. Prongs to Mr. Padfoot. Do you copy?"

"Mr. Padfoot to Mr. Prongs, affirmative. Planting Concoction 1."

"...Concoction 1? Which one's that?"

"Mr. Prongs to Mr. Wormtail. You didn't use the proper address!"

"Mr. Padfoot to Mr. Wormtail. Yeah! We were sounding so cool like Fly Kids-"

"Mr. Prongs to Mr. Padfoot. It's Spy Kids Pads," corrected James.

"Yeah, whatever. We were sounding so cool like _Spy Kids -_ as Mr. _Prancey Pantsy Prongs_ here had to interrupt - and here you are ruining our, but mostly _my_ , moment. You should be ashamed," babbled Pads.

"Mr. Prongs to Mr. Padfoot. Can you possibly be any more conceited?"

"Mr. Padfoot to Mr. Prongs. What are you trying pull? Emulating Remus? Impressing Lily? Honestly, since when did you use such long seskwipetaleun vocabulary?"

"Mr. Prongs to Mr. Padfoot. _Huh?_ "

"It's sesquipedalian Padfoot. It means, really long words. Why are we even talking like this? For Merlin's sake, we're standing right next to each other!" said Remus.

"Mr. Prongs to Mr. Moony. For the effect my friend. For the effect. And how stupid is it that sesquipedalian means long words, when it's a long word itself? It's like that weird muggle word for the fear of long words. _Shite!_ Can't remember it!"

"It's stupid! Why can't we talk normally to each other? Honestly, I swear your parents dropped you guys on the head a million too many times when you were babies. The word you thinking of is hippopotomon strosesquipedalio phobia by the way."

"Mr. Padfood to Mr. Moony. You've seriously got to lay off the books. You're like a walking talking encyclopaedia/dictionary. And why are you complaining about how we're talking? You're the one who suggested using Forky Dorkies!"

"It's _walkie talkie_ Padfoot."

"Yeah, yeah. Forky Dorky, Dorky Forky, same thing. How did you get these to work in the castle anyway? I thought muggle fekfology didn't work at Hogwarts."

"Technology. Honestly, how could you pass Muggle Studies without knowing the word technology? What do they teach you?"

"You mean what _I_ taught my Muggles Studies Professor," said Sirius, wagging his eyebrows suggestively, "I think she knows more about her mouth now since our little lesson."

"You're sick, you know that Sirius?"

"I don't see any ladies complaining."

"That's because your mouth is on theirs most of the time!"

"Well-"

"Would you two quit arguing like a bunch of ladies? In case you've forgotten, this is meant to be a stealth mission! You know? The ones where you stalk around the halls _quietly_ like Mrs. Norris?"

*Squeak*

"Where's Mrs. Norris? Get her away! She's gonna eat me!"

"Shut up Peter! She's not here! It's a simile!" said Prongs.

"A simaly? What's a simaly?"

"Honestly Padfoot, don't you ever read poems?"

"Yuk! Poems! Prongs, you're starting to sound like Moony!"

"Oi! There's nothing wrong with poems! They're sweet and romantic," Prong and Remus defended.

"That's it. Get away from me. I don't want to be infected with your girliness."

"I'm not girly!" denied James.

"C'mon, everybody knows only girls read poems. Their romantic and mushy. No guy on Earth would be caught dead reading poems. Not any straight guy anyway."

"I'll let you know I am perfectly straight, thank you very much! If Lily were here, she would call you a sexist!"

"I'm not sexist. I'm the _sexiest._ "

"Padfoot, quit being such a narcissus. Prongs, can you just stop going off about Lily? I'm sure she doesn't appreciate it," suggested Remus.

"But I'm complimenting her! She's too hard to forget. . When she flicks her glossy, red hair from her eyes, how she turns the pepper grinder for her eggs exactly three times, nibbles the tip of her quill whilst thinking, tugs on her necklace and gazes at the ceiling when lying, fiddles wi-"

"Stop! Stop! Stop! My ears! I don't want to hear anymore! You stalker! You love obsessed creep! What do you do all day? Take notes on her every action?" exclaimed Padfoot.

"Well, actually, I have this notebook under my pillow containing-"

" _Mon Dieu!_ You really are a creep! There's a fine line between devotion, and stalking. You my dear friend Prongs, have surpassed such a line."

"Wow Padfoot, who knew you could be so deep?" complimented Remus.

"I read it in the _Witches Weekly."_

"…why on _Earth_ were you reading the _Witches Weekly?"_

"They had a special. _Hogwart's Most Charming Smile Competition."_

"I should have known. Not only am I bestfriends with a stalker, a panophobic, but a narcissus too! What did I do wrong in my past life? Why did I get stuck with you fleabags for bestfriends? Why?"

"Bit melodramatic there mate," commented Prongs,"Who won anyway?"

"Stupid Prongs! Why should you get to win? You don't deserve it. You don't even know you won it! Even after all the chicks came flocking to you and you just ignored them all in favour for "precious Lily," sulked Sirius.

"Was this why James got a sudden influx of fans last week? Don't tell me this was why you ignored him for a whole week."

Sirius just crossed his arms and pouted.

"You have _got_ to be the most jealous person I've have ever met."

"It's a _very_ serious competition! Hundreds of girls vote. Our whole social life is based on these votes! Just look at Prongs! He won that competition, and the next day, he's being mauled by a mob of girls!"

"I'll never understand you, and I'm glad I don't, otherwise, I would have to further question my sanity. Now c'mon and let's get going with the prank before we get caught."

* * *

The Marauders were sweaty with anticipation. They had diluted a few different potions into the food and drinks with a time delay charm. It took all night, but it would be worth it. In thirty seconds, the timer will go off and start the charms.

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

Everyone's skin, including the Marauders, began bubbling as if miniature balloons were waxing and waning beneath their morphing skin. Many clutched onto their faces, whilst some grasped on their throats with their hollow mouths. Pupils dilated and contracted, giving unfocused, hazy vision when _pop!_

Numerous loud ringing pops echoed throughout the vast expanse the Great Hall. One by one, whiffs of smoke puffed, drowning everyone in an obscuring haze. Choked coughs and sputters could be heard as people tried expelling the assailant from their lungs. Finally, after a few minutes, the smoke began to thin out, leaving only wispy traces of its presence. The remaining fog gathered to the top of the ceiling, vaguely forming six words. Six words that would explain everything.

_Bought to you by the Marauders!_

The entire hall looked at each other and screamed. Well...at least tried too. Some mooed and some sqwarked whilst others yipped. Others had retained a human voice, but of the wrong gender. Whilst the screeching was annoy, their appearances were just shocking.

Several students role played as teachers, beard, robes, hats and all. A couple of students were tripping over Dumbledore's beard, whilst others were blind, their vision impaired by McGonagall's offending hat.

Everything was more jumbled than a tossed salad. If you were to look around, you would see Geoff Hacksley, Ravenclaw's star seeker and James' hated enemy, with an orange Dumbledore beard, fluro-pink Hagrid hair in a crumpled blouse with "Gryffindor Quidditch Rules!" and a short Griffindor red skirt matched with a ridiculous pair of high-hills.

"SUOEDIH m'I !hA"

"Sorry Hacksley, what were you trying to say? I don't understand gibberish," teased Potter, mockingly pressing his hands to his ears as if desperatly trying to hear.

"!yap lliw uoy ,eman ylimaF yelskcaH eht no raews I. tiaw uoy tsuJ !rettoP siht rof uoy teg ll'I"

Another person that... _attracted..._ attention was Lucious Malfoy, or now, more appropriately Lucy.

He...no, _she_ was now in a medieval ballgown, corset, stockings, ribbons, high heels and all. Her long, _silky_ hair was pulled back in an elegant pony tail by lacquered, ornamental clips and pins. She had skilful make on up that melted into her creamy white skin, enhanced by blood-red lipstick. Overall, she looked _very_ effeminate. You wouldn't even need to be drunk to mistake him as a real girl. In fact, some of the straighter guys, not that they would ever admitted it, didn't realise it was Lucius at first, and thought of her/him as hot dating material.

"Looking good there _Lucy._ I didn't know you were a gay cross-dresser. Finally got out of the closet, hey?" **(A/N - I have no problems with gays or cross-dressers. No offence intended)**

"Change me *snort* back! I'll send a *snort* letter to my parents and *snort* get you *snort* expelled for this!" bellowed/snorted Lucy. No-one, not even his friends or bodyguards, Crabbe and Goyle, could resist laughing at his horrid voice. It was so high and twinkly before switching to a low, revolting snort. It was unforgettable. Definately one for the camera.

"Now, now. Where are your pureblood, lady manners?" Sirius patronised.

Lucy growled and leaped for Black. Right before stepping on the hem of her dress, overbalancing on ther high heels and landing flat on her face. She shot back right up, and she and Sirius bolted off on a cat and mouse chase.

Everyone knows, if there's a prank, Severus was sure to be entertaining. So that is why, after the Lucy spectacle, everyone looked for Snape. They found him. Under the table. Cloaked by the table cloth. Wearing a pink tutu. Wearing a pink, _lacy_ tutu. Wearing a pink, lacy, _revealing_ tutu. And I think I'll stop the description right there. None of us want to be mentally scarred for the rest of our life.


	6. Chapter 6

**LuciusPOV**

"Get back *snort* here Black!" Not only did I sound like a bloody girl, but looked like one too! How can can women walk in these sodding death traps let along run in them? And those stupid fake boobs that were sown into this damn dress! God! How can I chase Black with them jiggling and bouncing all over the place!

"Catch me if you can _Lucy!_ " shouted Black.

I swear, one of these days I'll wipe that bloody smirk right of his face and chuck him in the lake in the middle of winter!

I continued to chase him all throughout hall, heedless if I was bumping into others. I swear one of the guys actually felt me up! The nerve of them! How dare they disrespect a Malfoy? I'll hunt them down one day and hex them into oblivion!

"Attention all *quack* students! Line *squawk* up in front of the *neigh* teachers' table if you *moo* are affected by the *meow* prank," quacked/squawked/neighed/mooed McGonagall. She had ginger cat ears, six stiff whiskers and a swishy tail sticking out from her robes, and she was the least affected of the teachers. (Imagine the others)

I pushed by way to the front of the table, regardless of order so I could get out of this stupid outfit and properly kill Black.

"Hey Lucy," shouted Black, "Nice bosoms!"

I have no idea why, but those words triggered a sudden inclination to jump up on the teachers' bench...and sing.

**End LuciusPOV**

* * *

"JAMES HAROLD POTTER! YOU IMMATURE, OBNOXIOUS, DIRTY-MINDED PRAT!" screamed Lily at the top of my lungs.

"Why Lilyflower, you look beautiful today," greeted James.

"Beautiful my arse!"

"I'm glad we agree."

"YOU PERVERT!" She tried bat-bogey hexing him, but he dodged, "Change me back RIGHT NOW!"

"There's no need for that. It looks wonderful on you," he smiled.

"WONDERFUL? I'M IN A BIKINI! A SMALL, STRINGY SODDING **BIKINI**!"

"Well, you look great in it."

That did it. Lily hurled as many curses, hexes and jinx as she could think of. But Potter wasn't top of Defense for nothing. He dodged, blocked or reflected everything I threw at him, some hitting other innocent bystanders.

"Lily! Stop it already! As if we need to be hexed further. Besides, it's not that bad. You actually look pretty hot in a muggle bikini," teased Euphemia.

Lily turned to look at her. She was in a tight policewoman uniform. A very _short_ and tight policewoman uniform: hand-cuffs, hat, badge and all.

"How can you say "not that bad"? You look like you just walked out of some hormone raging teenage boy's fantasies!" Lily screamed.

"Come on Lils. Live a little! It's not every day we get to wear something like this without looking out of place."

"Why would _anyone_ want to wear something like this?"

"It's just for fun. Besides, how many other occasions can you say we've seen Malfoy in a dress and Snape in a tutu?"

"I don't _want_ to see them cross-dressing!" screamed Lily.

"But that was hilarious!" cried Euphie.

"It was _far_ hilarious! They'll probably cancel classes for the rest of the day because of this!"

"I highly doubt anyone's gonna complain about that Lils," added Alice.

"But today was supposed to be the Charms test!"

"Hence why the boys probably decided to set it off today; nobody other than _you_ would complain about a cancelled test.

"Attention all *quack* students! Line *squawk* up in front of the *neigh* teachers' table if you *moo* are affected by the *meow* prank," quacked/squawked/neighed/mooed McGonagall.

"Wow. She's really got a farm going there," commented Alice.

"I don't get _how_ they can get away with this. Everyone knows the Marauders are Potter, Black, Remus and Pettigrew,"

"There's never enough evidence," said Alice.

"Evidence? You want evidence? Pump them with Veritaserum if you want evidence!" screamed Lily.

"Now, now Lily dear, that's a bit harsh," tutted Euphie.

"I doubt it," said Lily sardonically.

"Are we gonna discuss the Marauders all night, or are we gonna head towards McGonagall and get fixed?" asked Alice.

The trio were about to head off to the teachers' bench when Malfoy, Snape and Hacksley jumped on the table and began singing and dancing.

"Cue the music!"

The entire room darkened like night and a disco-ball appeared in the middle of the hall.

Then they began singing and dancing.

_Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine_   
_You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life_   
_See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen_

They started dancing to the muggle music mix. They monkeyed and swam and shuffled along the bench. Many of the muggles recognised the song and began dancing to the beat, enticing others to do so.

_It's just a jump to the left_   
_And then a step to the right_   
_With your hands on your hips_   
_You bring your knees in tight_   
_But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane,_   
_Let's do the Time Warp again!  
Let's do the Time Warp again!_

Everyone was dancing to lyrics, going wild and enjoying themselves. Others jumped on the makeshift stage, joining the original three.

_But I don't feel like dancin'_   
_No sir, no dancin' today._   
_Don't feel like dancin', dancin'_   
_Even if i find nothin' better to do_   
_Don't feel like dancin', dancin'_   
_Why'd you pick a tune when I'm not in the mood?_   
_Don't feel like dancin', dancin'_   
_I'd rather be home with the one in the bed till dawn, with you,_

The whole hall was going wild. Everyone was enjoying themselves. Everybody, even Lily and the teachers, forgot about the time and place. They just danced with one another and enjoyed themselves.

_I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick_   
_I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it_   
_It felt so wrong, it felt so right, don't mean I'm in love tonight_   
_I kissed a girl and I liked it, I liked it._

The impromptu mix was going swell. Cheers and shouts could be heard throughout the darkened hall as people danced under the disco-ball.

At the last line of the lyrics, spotlights congregated at Malfoy and Snape as they enacted the lyrics. Yup. Ladies and gentlemen, they were performing the last line of the lyrics, or specifically...they were kissing...on the lips...in front of the whole school...with magical cameras taking photos...with magical cameras planted by the Marauders magically forcing them to sing, dance and kiss each other - this will be all over Britain in no time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The songs used were:
> 
> Dancing Queen by ABBA
> 
> Time Warp from the Rocky Horror Show
> 
> I Don't Feel Like Dancing by Scissor Sisters
> 
> I Kissed a Girl by Kate Perry


End file.
